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I always believed in a God that cared for me, but under the influence of religion, the love remained conditional. How could a loving father hate people because of who they loved? I tried to take my life in the Spring of 2012 after I had left my high school boyfriend for a woman, concluding that I had done enough damage and that I would never be able to manage my “desires.” Now looking back, I think I wanted the punishment Hell guaranteed. A few months later, I met my now-husband. I was improving, until my high school sweetheart died by suicide. His death inflamed my guilt, initiating a downpour of health problems. Every night before bed I would puke, and cry myself to sleep.
After my now-husband and I got pregnant, I got a second chance at living a balanced, healthy life. When my daughter was 6 months old, I started yoga and quickly fell in love. Eventually, I signed up for yoga teacher training, where I learned I was suppressing many parts of me, including my bisexuality. As my views began expanding with mindfulness practices, I began intimately studying my bible to prove religion could be more inclusive. Yoga and meditation allow me to hold the pain of my guilt, without becoming it. Now, I want to help free people from the illusion that tells them they can’t love who they want, be who they want, experience what they want, and live a life of joy.
Photo credit: Courtesy of the Martins
Stop Staring At My Parrot Beach Shorts
I first knew I was a lesbian at the age of 5, and came out to my family and mother at my high school graduation. I always knew exactly who I was; it was my mother who was confused. She said my actions were not normal, even going to the extreme and taking me to a psychiatrist. My mother’s homophobia was one of the reasons I waited to come out. Every time my mother would see a gay woman, she would say, “if one of my children becomes like that, I’ll kill them.” During my high school graduation, I walked across the stage in a dress to get my diploma. Afterward, I went into the bathroom and changed into a suit. When my mother saw me, she said, “What the hell is this?” I responded, “This is me.” I got my girlfriend and left, and never looked back. Now, I’ve been out for more than 50 years. In 2015, I met my now-wife Paulette at an event hosted by SAGE – an organization dedicated to improving the lives of LGBT elders — and got married in 2018 at the age of 67. We both continue to advocate for rights for the LGBT+ community, especially for elders. —Pat Martin
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