Machinist Fighting The Forces Of Stupid Everyday Shirt, hoodie
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Machinist Fighting The Forces Of Stupid Everyday Shirt, hoodie
I like to think that, in different circumstances, I would have dismissed “everything happens for a reason”. But in shock and desperately wanting life to make sense, it consumed me. I made lists of possible reasons and asked anyone who would listen if they believed it.
The days became easier with the passing of time and with the psychotherapist’s support. We saw her again when I was pregnant for a third time, with Ella, who is now nine. I let go of “everything happens for a reason”. Things just happen, no reason. Nature is wonderful and cruel. Alex and Ella grew, went to nursery, to school. We talked, and still talk, about Finn. The photo of us holding him is on the wall in our house.
I returned to work, covering economics at the Guardian. My job as a reporter was busy and rewarding, but something niggled at me. I wanted to write something longer, more creative. Then the character of Rachel Summers came to me and I began writing her story. Her son is stillborn like Finn, and Rachel, too, is told that “everything happens for a reason”. She is certain she knows the reason. The day she found out she was pregnant, she had stopped a man from jumping in front of a train. The man must have taken her baby’s place and she resolves to track him down. What started as a character became a novel that I hope brings baby loss a little further out of the shadows. Its title is that phrase that so tormented me, Everything Happens for a Reason. I still hate those words.
Yet I know it’s hard to find the right words when someone is grieving. Despite losing a son, a brother and my parents, I still struggle to write something that might be of comfort in condolence cards. Ultimately, I know that whatever I say, I can never give a bereaved person their loved one back. But I do believe that the better we become at talking about death, the less isolating grief will feel.
• Everything Happens for a Reason by Katie Allen is published by Orenda Books, price £8.99). To order a copy for £8.36 with free UK p&p go to theguardian.Com/bookshop
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